Be a Better Communicator Using our E.A.R.s

            There are definitely relationships that we all would like to work on or have at least had some communication that we hoped would’ve gone better than it did. I still remember my own grueling moments where speaking to my teenage, rebellious, younger sister turned into a battle field with no survivors. If I could do it all again I would be hesitant so to enter into these war fields, however, after learning these tips from David Burns in his life changing book, “The Secrets of Effective Communication,” I feel like I could do any argument in my life a hundred times better.

            This article is worth reading for anyone who has ever had any miscommunication problems and wants to become better at dissembling the heat of arguments. If you don’t believe this is worth reading here is an excerpt from the article that made me realize and you too why you need to,

“We cause the exact relationship problems we complain about, but we don’t realize we’re doing it, so we feel like victims and tell ourselves it’s all the other person’s fault.” (Location 911)

I want to share with you the three steps for effective listening that David Burns gives that will help us to create good communication instead of bad communication.

            Good communication starts with focusing on ourselves. As in what are we doing so that the other person knows we’re listening and participating in the conversation or that we want to deal effectively with the difficult issue at hand. David Burns suggest that we use these three skills in our communication, empathy, assertiveness, and respect. Easily remembered as “EAR.”

            To empathize we are trying to understand the other person’s point of view. We are putting ourselves in their perspective and seeing why they might have reacted or feel the way they do. Even if it may seem unreasonable it is necessary that we understand than try to project how they should be feeling. As Burns says, “find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if his criticisms of you seems unfair or his point of view is very different from yours.” It’s so easy to condemn someone’s argument in the heat of things. When we do this it not only makes it easier for the other person to bring down their guard but to allow us to review what we have thought of their actions and our judgements against it.

            The second is to be assertive in how you are feeling. Be direct and clear and never shift the blame. Use I statements in expressing how the events have made you unappreciated, shamed, or hurt. It is easy to twist these statements into hostile statements that turn into blaming the other person such as, “I don’t understand how you can be such an idiot and not consider me!” Instead turn these statements into, “I feel confused because you say you love me but then I am left out of a big decision.”

            Lastly, is respecting the other person. I find this one to be the most important but as always, the hardest to do in the heat of an argument. When we respect someone we show them kindness, patience, and view them with dignity. On the contrast when we don’t we see them as an opponent, condescending, and someone to defeat. One of the best ways I have overcome this is to view everyone as someone we are working with in uplifting our goals than someone we need to overcome before reaching our goals.

            Thank you so much for reading and hope you will find the principles of E.A.R in effective in your own relationships. If you have had any experiences in how this has impacted your life I would love to hear from you in the comments below!