Unspoken rules and How They Describe the Health of Family Relationships

            Unspoken family rules. I think it is time we analyze them. We might find that there is more to what these rules say versus what they actually mean. Sometimes we have fun ones like ‘don’t touch Dad’s cookies,’ or simple ones that help run the family such as, do your ‘dishes after using them.’ I would like to share with you some of my own unspoken family rules and hopefully you’ll share some with me as well. After analyzing my own, I’ve realized that there are crucial ones we should re-consider to help solve family relationships that cause most conflict.

            One of the most prominent unspoken family rules that I remember is that we had to always help out after every meal with cleaning up. Especially since we had such a large family, this was a task that mom should not do on her own. It was such a drag to get done but you could never escape out of it, even if you weren’t home to have dinner! I used to be so frustrated as a teenager that I had to clean but now as an adult living on my own, and having to do ALL of it, I’ve realized how crucial my part was in the family.

            If I wasn’t home to help do my part, the slack would be placed on everyone else. Although it might not seem much, the reverse effect was as much present. By doing my part I made the burden lighter for everyone else as well. Because my siblings and I had a good relationship I didn’t mind doing the dishes for them or helping them out with any other tasks. Sometimes these rules bring to light our relationship with our family members that are sometime good, and if not is something we should analyze.

            Salvador Minuchin introduced the idea of Family mapping, which described the different types of relationships families have with each other. He formed a key that had six distinguished parts, three of which I want to share with you. Solid lines between two sets meant that the relationship was closed and had little exchange of warmth or information. Dashed lines meant that it was a clear and open relationship and had a healthy exchange of love. Dotted lines signified that the relationship was easily violated. These lines can help us map the relationships in our own lives and work on those relationships that might not be as strong or have a lot of conflict.

            One unspoken rule I want to share with you is the same as above in helping to do chores, however, at one point in my life it was the hardest because the relationship I had with my parents was like the dotted lines. We fought a lot and I felt in many ways they disappointed me in being the people I wished they pride themselves on being. I saw a lot of their own rules being broken from them as being peacemakers, honest, and fair. This was a time that lead up to their divorce, so there was a lot of conflict that was present.

            Lastly, I want to emphasize the importance of looking back at unspoken rules to analyze the overall health of our relationships. It can stand as indicators in how we’re doing in our families and maybe realize those who need more attention and love. It can help us to solve issues right away without having our children come directly up to us to say they need help. Whatever unspoken rules you have I hope that they are formed with love and if not find out why.